I can text with my tongue
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
