we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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