There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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