he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
