This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
