I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
