I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize
