OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
40s are totally the cure
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
