I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
