this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
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