can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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