I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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