look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
