she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
