There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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