So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
