I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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