I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
