i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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