What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Randomize
