i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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