i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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