when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Randomize