hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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