Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Randomize
