Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
