well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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