I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
