in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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