The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I could make wine with my vomit
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
