I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
