haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
