He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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