please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Randomize
