why didn't you poke me back
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
