There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize