How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
how drunk are you?
Several
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
