I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
