really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
God I need to hump something, right now.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
