there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
