her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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