I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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