I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
