so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
