Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
