Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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