You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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