Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
