we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
