Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
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