My Higher Power is John Stamos
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
