Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
