connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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