can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
