someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
