Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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