I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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