seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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