I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
