Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize